And just like that, I am inching slowly towards regaining my rhythm. My rhythm in life.
Going to meditation retreats, reading philosophy, trying and not trying to have thoughts from a higher plane, reflecting, meditating, having petty thoughts and then feeling guilty, feeling self-pity, jealousy, insecurity, crying, reassuring myself, thinking for so many years, and finally it seems like something is changing. Albeit slowly, but changing. Something is different.
Slowly, I feel less need of a closure on all things. Slowly, I'm getting to a place where I'd be ok with whatever happens. A lot has happened in the last twenty-five years. Ups and downs. Successes and failures. Breakthroughs and tragedies. And I have lived through all. None of the heartbreaks have killed me. And they won't, in the future either.
Negative emotions do have a purpose in life up to a point - they make you try harder and harder. But, the point where they stop driving towards a positive breakthrough is the point they become futile. And we usually know when we reach that point, yet often refuse to stop paying attention. The years have slowly awakened in me the wisdom to stop beyond the point of positive returns. Suddenly, over the weekend.
This doesn't mean that I will stop being negative about everything forever. No, that will take a lot more wisdom, perhaps even conscious practice. I don't want to show that I don't feel negative when I actually do. I want to stop feeling negative. Like I don't feel negativity today. Somehow, things seem easier to accept, without feeling self-pity, jealousy and insecurity. Not necessarily easier to understand. But not having closure seems ok.
I guess we struggle through the turbulences of life hoping for this kind of wisdom which we get in flashes in rare moments throughout our lives ... sometimes when we are meandering on unknown paths, sometimes when we are crossing beautiful countryside, sometimes when we fly over unknown places, and sometimes just sitting in solitude in our houses on a quiet Sunday afternoon.
Who knows what life will bring?
I do hope it brings me more such Sunday epiphanies. And an interest in restarting my writing.
Going to meditation retreats, reading philosophy, trying and not trying to have thoughts from a higher plane, reflecting, meditating, having petty thoughts and then feeling guilty, feeling self-pity, jealousy, insecurity, crying, reassuring myself, thinking for so many years, and finally it seems like something is changing. Albeit slowly, but changing. Something is different.
Slowly, I feel less need of a closure on all things. Slowly, I'm getting to a place where I'd be ok with whatever happens. A lot has happened in the last twenty-five years. Ups and downs. Successes and failures. Breakthroughs and tragedies. And I have lived through all. None of the heartbreaks have killed me. And they won't, in the future either.
Negative emotions do have a purpose in life up to a point - they make you try harder and harder. But, the point where they stop driving towards a positive breakthrough is the point they become futile. And we usually know when we reach that point, yet often refuse to stop paying attention. The years have slowly awakened in me the wisdom to stop beyond the point of positive returns. Suddenly, over the weekend.
This doesn't mean that I will stop being negative about everything forever. No, that will take a lot more wisdom, perhaps even conscious practice. I don't want to show that I don't feel negative when I actually do. I want to stop feeling negative. Like I don't feel negativity today. Somehow, things seem easier to accept, without feeling self-pity, jealousy and insecurity. Not necessarily easier to understand. But not having closure seems ok.
I guess we struggle through the turbulences of life hoping for this kind of wisdom which we get in flashes in rare moments throughout our lives ... sometimes when we are meandering on unknown paths, sometimes when we are crossing beautiful countryside, sometimes when we fly over unknown places, and sometimes just sitting in solitude in our houses on a quiet Sunday afternoon.
Who knows what life will bring?
I do hope it brings me more such Sunday epiphanies. And an interest in restarting my writing.
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