Negativity

How negative I am! Seeing the worst in everything. Imagining the worst in situations. Letting negativity gnaw at me from inside, day in and day out. And with such intensity that it seems I am dissolved in my own negativity.

Right now, this moment, I feel so terribly aware of the negativity. And this awareness reduces it somehow. May be I am not the victim. I am just a traveler through it all. It is a comforting thought.

However much I want and try, I can't control what someone else wants. I can't control what someone else thinks. Just like someone else can't control what I think and want. Where is the unfairness in that? Why do I get so negative?

This awareness is a lesson. May be, the first step in not being negative. Come on, you win some, you lose some. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Nothing is about one thing or one person only. You may lose a thing, you may lose a person. But there was so much gained on the way, in your pursuit. Everything you were enriched with, it is all a part of you.

Negativity is pointless. Really.

Rhythm

And just like that, I am inching slowly towards regaining my rhythm. My rhythm in life.

Going to meditation retreats, reading philosophy, trying and not trying to have thoughts from a higher plane, reflecting, meditating, having petty thoughts and then feeling guilty, feeling self-pity, jealousy, insecurity, crying, reassuring myself, thinking for so many years, and finally it seems like something is changing. Albeit slowly, but changing. Something is different.

Slowly, I feel less need of a closure on all things. Slowly, I'm getting to a place where I'd be ok with whatever happens. A lot has happened in the last twenty-five years. Ups and downs. Successes and failures. Breakthroughs and tragedies. And I have lived through all. None of the heartbreaks have killed me. And they won't, in the future either.

Negative emotions do have a purpose in life up to a point - they make you try harder and harder.  But, the point where they stop driving towards a positive breakthrough is the point they become futile. And we usually know when we reach that point, yet often refuse to stop paying attention. The years have slowly awakened in me the wisdom to stop beyond the point of positive returns. Suddenly, over the weekend.

This doesn't mean that I will stop being negative about everything forever. No, that will take a lot more wisdom, perhaps even conscious practice. I don't want to show that I don't feel negative when I actually do. I want to stop feeling negative. Like I don't feel negativity today. Somehow, things seem easier to accept, without feeling self-pity, jealousy and insecurity. Not necessarily easier to understand. But not having closure seems ok.

I guess we struggle through the turbulences of life hoping for this kind of wisdom which we get in flashes in rare moments throughout our lives ... sometimes when we are meandering on unknown paths, sometimes when we are crossing beautiful countryside, sometimes when we fly over unknown places, and sometimes just sitting in solitude in our houses on a quiet Sunday afternoon.

Who knows what life will bring?

I do hope it brings me more such Sunday epiphanies. And an interest in restarting my writing.

A year

It has been a year without me blogging. I had so many resolutions at the start of 2016. Imagine creating a new email id and blog for the start of a new year. The good God forgive me, I did not persist with any of the resolutions I made! Huh. So much for new year resolutions. The wiser me has decided not to make any resolutions this year. Let me just observe myself.

It is quite astonishing, even scary, how life has gone by. I can safely say that around half of my life is over.  What will the remaining half be like, I wonder? Hopefully the years have made me a wiser and better person. May be this year I will read more and better books than I did last year? May be I will learn many new things and sharpen my skills. Making new year resolutions is tempting. After every sentence I think of, a new resolution takes shape in my mind. Well let us see. How many Saturdays and Sundays I blog.